Every morning I awake to my own self-induced suffering. Through greed, envy of others, and not wanting to deal with reality, I became totally unmanageable by using drugs. I wanted money--to solve my problems, to become the envy of others through materialistic wealth. I sold drugs to achieve wealth, prestige, acceptance, and love for myself. I became careless in my game, and I lost. I was arrested, and only after that did I begin to learn from my mistakes.

As my days progress, they often reflect to what extent I created my own pain and suffering. In the past two weeks, facing two days in court with a judge, then going to a career counseling class facing the potential difficulties in obtaining a secure job with a felony conviction, there was no escaping this reality.

I have also seen that my games of dishonesty, greed, envy, and pursuit of materialistic wealth caused suffering beyond myself. I have often in my past hurt those who truly loved and cared about me. The people who tried to help me were pushed away by harsh words and actions. As long as I was willing to be involved in my self-created turmoil, the people I once loved lost respect for me.

I cry for help because I know I'm lost. I know there's a greater purpose. I am beginning to understand my suffering as a concrete foundation of strength.

It took tragedy for me to realize my foolishness in abusing drugs and alcohol. Life myself, the characters Lear and Gloucester in Shakespeare's play King Lear needed tragedy in order to gain wisdom.

Lear was not wise in looking to other people (mainly his daughters) to make him happy. He went so far as to hold a contest during which his daughters had to publicly speak their love for him.

I looked for happiness outside of myself as well. I was foolish to believe I would find it in a bottle or a pill. It took an arrest for me to decide to get help. I am just now learning wisdom and discovering happiness within myself. I am keeping an open mind about living a drug-free life.

Like Shakespeare's characters Lear and Gloucester, it took a tragedy for me to gain wisdom in regard to my drug problem. Lear lost his mind, Gloucester lost his eyes, and, for me, it was self-respect that I lost when I was put in jail.

The scared little girl that lives inside of me has often shown up since I have been grown. At times, I wonder about the 'things in my childhood that caused the sadness that the little girl couldn't let go, that ticks like a time bomb.

When I look back at how I separated myself from my family, I can see tliat,for the most part, I caused my own sadness because I felt rejected by some members of my family. I grew up with a lot of hidden sadness that I hid very well.

Since being here at New Hope Manor, I am learning to face that little girl inside of me, to let her know that she can now rest because I am ready to take on life's responsibilities and my goals of being what I have always wanted to be. It is a struggle, but the sadness is slowly slipping away.