Father AQ spoke about our masked selves, that most of our lives we have been showing others the persons we want to be, hiding behind a dark wall of lies and self-hate. By putting on our masks it becomes obvious that we don't like the persons we are, else why would we have to be fake? The whole lifestyle of sex, partying, and using drugs surrounds our false selves.
A big part of recovery is getting to know and love our true selves, getting high from our healthy accomplishments instead of from the false high that drugs bring.
One thing that really stayed in my mind was Father AQ saying that the door that opens to God has no doorknob on God's side. We have to let Him in. We can do this through faith in God, prayers, and carrying out His work. The main thing is realizing that we are much more than we allow ourselves to be.
On Saturday evening, March 29, 1997, we celebrated the Easter Vigil. It was a beautiful ceremony to commemorate Christ's death and resurrection. All of the forty-four clients, the staff, and the family and friends of New Hope participated in this extremely solemn, then very joyful, event.
The vigil consisted of four parts. The first was the Service of Light. Father AQ blessed the small fire; then the Passover candle was lit, and we all lit our individual candles against the dark night of sin.
After we all entered the dark house with our blessed candles, Sister Pat sang the Easter Proclamation and then the second part of the Easter Vigil, the Liturgy of the Word, began. It consisted of four readings, each followed by a responsorial and a prayer. This second part of the mass was for our reflection on all the wonderful things God has done from the beginning.
After the readings, we renewed our baptismal promises. This, the thrid part, was the renewal of our promises to do God's will, to live as the reborn children of God.
The fourth section of the Easter Vigil, the climax, was the Liturgy of the Eucharist, the sacrifical reenactment of that death and resurrection for the salvation of all. On that night we all came together for a singular purpose and sang out "Alleluia!" May it echo in our hearts and deeds throughout the year.
My distortion in life was that whatever I wanted I should have right away and not tomorrow. I did not want to work hard at anything, so I settled for whatever I got. It didn't matter to me how I got it or from whom. I acted selfishly, irresponsibly, and immaturely to fulfill my wants.
The dreams I had I rarely pursued. I just spoke a lot of hot air.
I was a rebellious child, teenager, and adult. I was in search of love, in search of my identity, and in search of something to fill the void within me.
As a teenager and an adult, I chose drugs and alcohol to fill my emptiness, to make my life easier, and to allow me to be happy and carefree. I wanted to live free and independently.
I can tell you today that drugs and alcohol did none of these things for me. I became more selfish, dishonest. emotional, irrational, and very unhappy. I hurt loved ones tremendously. I lost jobs, lost friends and,most of all, lost myself. The unnecessary pain I put myself through has made me feel hopeless.
Through small miracles in my life, I have found reasons to be hopeful and to have faith in a Higher Power. Certain people have been placed in my life at the most crucial moments. They are people who want to see me succeed in my life, people who truly care.
I truly believe that God is the miracle worker. He placed me in their care. God has been the one who has carried me when I no longer wanted to walk. He has given me the strength and courage to carry on and has helped me to learn acceptance of myself. My goal is to become a healthy human being.
Where I am today is a very special place. It is a community filled with love, warmth, true care and concern, structure, guidance, and wisdom.
Here at New Hope Manor I am encouraged to become the woman I only used to dream of becoming. I have been blessed with the gift of intelligence,and it is my responsibility to use it to benefit my well-being and others' well-being. There are many opportunities ahead in my life.
The whole experience of Holy Week reminded me of how much I need to pray and give thanks to God for giving me a second chance at life. It also made me realize that I need to open my heart to others and treat them with kindness and respect, because we are all God's people.
In my past experience I have come across people who have done things to hurt me, and I thought I couldn't forgive them. After experiencing the services, I thought to myself, if God can forgive us, who am I not to forgive others?
This whole experience helped me to meditate and to come to terms with myself. I now know that I cannot stand alone. I need God's guidance and strength so that I will be able to go in the right direction.