Recovery has many different meanings to many different people.
Recovery has many different meanings to many different people.
When I first walked through the doors of New Hope Manor on June 11,1996, 1 knew I had a drug/alcohol problem. I knew that it was serious because I had lost my car, my apartment, and was on the verge of losing my family. I thought that I had been stripped of everything.
I sat here doing what was expected of me: Keeping a schedule, being respectful of others, and anything that I thought would get me through the "recovery process." This worked for me---I made it to Level 2.
On this next level I realized that I had to deal with more than the external surroundings that had contributed to my lifestyle. I had to deal with some very destructive patterns that I had chosen to hold onto. The pains and the struggles had just begun.
I've had to deal with many obstacles including the death of my mother. This was a very emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I was happy one minute then sad the next. I had just skimmed the surface.
As I continued to work through this, the pain worsened and there were many times I wanted to give up. Holding on to the hurt was more damaging than letting it go.
Now I am on Level 3. 1 go through struggles daily. I've also hit a roadblock. I had thought that I worked on everything necessary for what I viewed as "recovery."
Recovery is much more than remaining substance-free. It means changing views about how I should live my life. It means facing and solving problems in a healthier way. It's about being real, admitting my faults, accepting them, and moving on to a better way of living.
Recovery is possible. It may bring frustration along with tears, but I believe it will be the ultimate goal for me to achieve.
During my drugging, I came to the realization that drugs were destroying my family as well as myself. I would tell myself that I would stop using, then turn around and get high. I was out of control. My family was really disgusted with me and didn't want to be around me because I was on drugs. I was really hurt.
I finally decided to do something about my addiction to coke, but after I had been in four treatment programs, my situation seemed hopeless.
I was finally referred to New Hope Manor. When I arrived, I felt afraid because I did not know what to expect. It was the first time that I would be living away from my family. I met a lot of nice, caring women who welcomed me with open arms, and it felt good to know that I wasn't alone. People cared and understood where my lifestyle was leading me: down a road to death or destruction.
During my stay here I have attended investment classes. The investment classes really opened my eyes, allowing me to see where I went wrong in life. I learned a lot about how to change my living habits by living in a structured fashion and being open to any options that I may be faced with in the future. I feel that coming to New Hope Manor is a blessing for me because this program is unique and like no other. I feel that when I do leave New Hope, I will be all that I have ever wanted to be and even more.
When I came to realize that I need a long-term treatment program, my former counselor suggested New Hope Manor. She described the program and felt it would be the type that was necessary for me to become the person I so desired to be.
She had seen me struggle, grasping for the missing link, the things that I needed to grow and develop to my potential. Although I was overwhelmed with fear at the idea of being away from my family and all that was familiar, I also realized my family had pretty much given up on me.
On February 19, I was on my journey, first stop a hospital for detoxification, where I spent several days in bed, shaking so badly the whole bed shook. I couldn't even hold a cup or fork to my lips because I was shaking so badly. As if the shakes weren't bad enough, I was having hallucinations and sweating profusely. At one point. my blood pressure was running 290/190. This went on for several days. I truly thought I was going to die.
I arrived at New Hope Manor March 13, 1997. I was a little fearful because I didn't know what to expect or exactly what was going to be expected of me.
I started investment classes. I found that New Hope Manor's beliefs and approaches were totally different from other programs.
Some of the first things I learned were about Growth & Development, Erikson's Eight Stages of Human Growth. These are traits that every human needs to develop in order to become a healthy human being.
Many programs are based on behavior modification. New Hope Manor is not such a program, nor does the staff believe that drugs are the sole problem; drugs are a part of the problem. Abstinence is a part of recovery, but recovery also involves a change of lifestyle and attitude so that we can develop better coping responses to life situations.
Here at the Manor we learn how to use our intelligence instead of our emotions. We have a group in which we describe every aspect of an attitude, which involves a lot of thinking, writing, and fact-facing. Through these groups, we are able to look at our problems one at a time and deal with them. I've found these groups to be one of the better tools given to us in this program.
We also have seminars each week. We talk about Community. Instead of being a destructive member of a community, I'm learning how to be a constructive, responsible member. In these seminars we also learn to communicate in a constructive manner.
New Hope Manor also has a concern for our educational needs. Although I'm struggling in some of my studies, I realize that this is for my betterment. Through my accomplishments in school, we build self-worth and self-esteem.
Although I've been here only 49 days, I've seen a change in myself, a true change that I've made for me, changes I needed to make and to internalize. I have a long road ahead of me, but I know New Hope Manor is here for me during good days and bad days.
